This beer is not sobering me up at all
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
