Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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