he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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