I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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