Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
