She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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