I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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