then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
