So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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