I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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