She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
