He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
