oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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