Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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