If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
