dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
