That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
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They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.