On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
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Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?