He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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