girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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