Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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