i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
