Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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