It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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