Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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