the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
