i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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