I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
