Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Holy shit dude........stairs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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