is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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