i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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