First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
