he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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