i just wanna soil my oats bro
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
