Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
