My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
