True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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