Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
