buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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