to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
