Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze