You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.