It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
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He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.