youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
