drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
