just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
