The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
