the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
