my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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