Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Bring me that man meat
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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