You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
