why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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