dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
