I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
