You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think your dad took our porno
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
