another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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