Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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