is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
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You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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